Mom, the voice in my head sounds almost human.
It’s almost impossible to explain just how much can go through your head during the two and a half seconds of falling from the ten floors building. But if I will try to break it up, there is no doubt that the feeling of accomplishment is the most dominant. That is the way I felt anyhow. From the second that my feet left the solid roof and my body started its rapid decent to the ground, I felt brilliant. That was my time. My victory, and in less than two seconds nothing could change that.
I never planned to kill myself but it was the only way to end with the “upper hand” if you like. It’s all started a few months back. Me and my five friends at the office liked to scare each other once in a while. It was kind of a practical jokes. We always were carful not to go to far with the pranks, after all we are all friends and we wanted to keep it as harmless fun. So usually it was the classic rubber spider in the drear or a fake phone call from a secret service or the FBI. I was the last “victim” for my friend’s prank. But this time it wasn’t the little harmless prank, they went too far.
The image of the ghost flying in the hallway one night when I thought that I was alone in the office really scared me to the point I peed myself. As much as I tried, I could not but feel humiliated. My friends told me how sorry they were, and that was too much. And so on and so on. But it didn’t change anything with how I felt. For me the only way that I can restore my self-respect is to get back at them. So, I got into work. I spend almost every free time I had planning my revenge, the ultimate prank. This is my new hobby I told myself.
Everybody needs a hobby, and this is mine. And I take it very seriously, actually becoming obsessed with it. My plan was becoming more extreme by the day. It must be simple and effective. I wrote every idea I had and kept it with other ideas. I even use to go over my plans during working time when nobody was around. It’ll take me almost two months to get it right. The plan was simple, exactly the way I wanted. Usually on Fridays we used to go to the closest bar for a happy hour after a week work. I will pretend that I’m still depressed over the prank they pulled on me. I will make a complete show as I’m completely down to the point that in a moment of rage I will pull my gun and shoot my friends as a revenge. Of course, I will shoot blanks but they will not know that. The sight of their scared to death faces will certainly compensate over my wet pants.
From the second my plan was complete, it was only to wait for the end of Friday work day. And sure, enough it came. And it was perfect. Just the way I imagined it. I played as I nerves and depressed. And just as I plan my friends asked me what is wrong. I continue to act upset until I pulled my gun and shouted, you all need to die. To see their faces when I pulled the gun was priceless but now is the good part the pinnacle of my plan, I pulled the trigger five time on my friends. I was so thrilled that I understand what I did only after the fifth shoot was fired. I forgot to change the real rounds to blanks. Instead seeing my friends scare to death, they were just lying dead. And yes, they had a surprised look on their dead faces. I really shot my friends. I panicked and ran away. I couldn’t stay there looking at them dying. I think I ran for half an hour straight, no real destination. As I said I was panicking. All of that time I heard my phone ringing. I had no doubt that its the police asking me to surrender myself. They know its me, many people in that bar know who I am. I throw the gun to the garbage. I know it doesn’t mean anything but I’m doing it anyway. Eventually I must to stop, the moment my legs stop moving I’m starting to understand just how horrible is the thing that I did. I’m panicking again but this time it’s a paralyzing hysteria. I cannot move, my breathing is heavy. I’m mumbling to myself what have I done over and over again. Now my own subconscious start to play games on me. A voice in my head Is marking me, saying how is your little hobby going. You really scare them, did you? And then the most freighting thought coming out from that voice in my head, maybe you did want to kill them. Maybe it wasn’t a mistake. They hurt you really bad, they made you wet your pants. They stood there trying not to crack down looking at you wet and embarrassed. It was a cruel cold voice coming not only from the back of my head but from deep inside my stomach. I cannot live with myself, the cruel voice is right, it was on purpose, I murdered my friends.
The constant ring from my phone doesn’t stop, it just makes me more exigent to end it all. Killing myself is the only option, the last thing I will ever do, and I need to do it before the police gets to me. I see an entrance to a building, that is my chance. Its open, I’m going in and start to go up the stairs. I can hear the sirens in the background. Need to move fast. I got to the roof and its open. Now I’m slowing down a little bit. It’s the last moment of my life. I’m not feeling sorry for myself, no. I’m a murderer and I deserve to die. I’m on the edge of the roof, it’s about ten floors down. My phone keeps on ringing. I was afraid to answer until now. It was as if I will touch the phone it will slow me down or even worse I will talk with some police officer that will convince me to turn myself in. But now I’m not afraid, that is my last seconds alive. I will tell the police where I am, and how sorry I am for murdering my friends. I held the phone and without looking at the screen I answer. I just say hello, but before I can say anything I heard my friends voice on the other side, they are laughing and alive. You didn’t shoot anybody they were screaming happily through the phone. We found your nuts on your table at work. You forgot them one day, about shooting blanks and to scare us to death. So, we play you back and pretend as we are really getting shoot.
I’m still quiet. Except hello I didn’t say anything. I can hear my friends still laughing through the phone. I cannot lose again, not after this last time. This one is mine. I put the phone closer to my mouth and say loudly, sorry officer I cannot hear you because of the wind. I’m about to kill myself because I killed my friends, I’m so sorry. And then I hang up the phone and jump.
Its unbelievable how many thoughts can go through your head in less than two seconds. But I will tell you what was my main one, it was. I won, this one is mine. I won.
As I said everybody needs a hobby.
Hey Monkey, you better do something, I am falling asleep.
Just watch the monkey they told me, watch him all night. Whatever the monkey does you write on the notebook, don’t miss a thing. It’s a new medication, something for the brain. We gave it to the monkey. If you feel tired drink from the coffee pot. It’s a strong coffee and there is a lot of it. Don’t fall asleep, keep your eyes open all night.
Stop looking at me like that monkey, I feel strange its not only tiredness its like something is not right.
Another cup of coffee. I want to stand up and move a little bit, but I cannot take my eyes away from the monkey. I write on the notebook, “It’s 1am the monkey just stares at me”. I know why I feel so weird, the monkey doesn’t blink. What did they give to the poor monkey? I write some more, “It’s 1:30am, monkey doesn’t blink”. Are you trying to tell me something monkey? I think the monkey is pointing at me, it’s hard for me to focused I am so tired.
I write ” 2:00am monkey is pointing at me, I am scared”.
More coffee, I definitely need more coffee.
I write “Monkey trying to say something, his mouth is open and he points at me”. I write some more, “1am, I want to go home I think the monkey is mad at me”. Please say something monkey, “12am monkey doesn’t speak to me, I want to cry”.
“46578am I finished the coffee, monkey is laughing”. Why are you laughing monkey? “Something-am , monkey is finally talking to me, I’m cold and hot at the same time. Did you understand yet? The monkey is asking me. Understand what? I asked the monkey? That you are the monkey, you are the experiment, monkey answers.
I look at the empty pot of coffee, yes its the coffee, I get it now.
In the morning two man wearing white lab coats opened the door just to see a men laying on the floor with madness in his eyes. “I guess he had too much coffee,” one of them said, both of them start to laugh. The other one picked up the monkey by the ear. “Maybe one day we will use a real monkey not a stuffed animal,” he said. Both of them laughed some more.
Will the last man on earth remove his oxygen mask to take a final breath from the toxic air?
Will he take a moment in the name of the human-kind before him, to admire for the last time the sun-set?
And before climbing into his space-ship and joining the rest of civilization in faraway planets, will he whisper to the red sky “you are beautiful” ?
Just before he leaves, while looking around the dead world around him, will he say “thank you planet for everything”?
But maybe there is no space-ship, maybe we didn’t find other planets to live in after we destroyed our own.
Maybe, just maybe, the last man on earth is the last man?
Is he, the owner of the only heart beats, will fall on his knees and buried his fingers in the ashes of what used to be our living mother?
In his last moments will he ask in the name of all of us “what have we done”?
“Little girls are not supposed to be sad”. Said the man with many diplomas on the wall. “Your mode already cost us too much money”, said the woman I called mom. “Enough with this useless behaver”. Joined her husband.
So, I set in my room in front on the mirror and with a lipstick I trace my face, ears nose and eyes. Only the mouth I drew deferent, I drew a big smile along the face in the mirror. Hello there Happy Me, I said. Hello back, Sad You, the girl in the mirror replied. I want to be like you Happy Me, I said. You are happy and I am so sad. But I want to be you, cried back Happy Me. Why do you want to be sad? I asked.
My happiness is empty, said Happy Me. My Cheerfulness is fake. I am happy because I have to. I am glad because they say I need to be.
Your sadness is like a wave on a dark ocean. Its full of emotions and pain. Your wave is gliding under a moonless night with memories and thoughts. You are deep and real little girl.
And when the sun will rise on the dark ocean, your wave will be shown to all, blue big and strong. Tears came down my face, when? When did they will see my true me? I asked.
It doesn’t matter beautiful girl, answer Happy Me.
It really doesn’t matter.
In my dream
In my dream I saw him, the hanging man.
I came close to his rotten body.
Are you still there? I asked. Yes, I am, he answers.
Why you are not going away?
There is nothing left for you anymore.
I cannot let go. I just cannot let it go. Answer the hanging man.
In my dream
I was standing on the roof top.
I am afraid I told the prince.
Don’t be, he told me. I will hold your hand all the way down.
And when we hit the concrete below, will you still hold my hand?
I will never let go, promised the prince. I will never let you go.
In my dream
I saw little Alice, she was asleep.
The sound of the beeping monitors didn’t wake her up.
Nothing will wake up little Alice anymore.
An Angel was on his knees near Alice bed.
I am sorry he cried. I am so sorry.
I let go. For one second, I let you go.
How are we going to tell the world that he left?
We have checked our calculations over and over again.
We have used the best computers, we looked through the strongest telescopes. Advised the most brilliant minds. But over and over we came to the same conclusion, he is nowhere to be find, he left.
They will ask “why?” and we cannot answer.
“Are all our prayers being for nothing?” they well cry. And we cannot help.
“Please ask him to come back” They will cry. “We don’t know were he went”, we will mumbled.
“Are we all alone?” The boy asks his mom.
“We have each other” mom replay to her son.
“Who is going to watch over us? Who will judge us?” The boy continues to ask.
“It’s all up to us” mother hugged her son.
“Is he ever coming back?” I don’t know my boy.
Continue to pray my boy, prayer has a great power, when you pray my son, look inside, the answers are there. Don’t stop to believe, believe from your core. Pray from the inside out.
The boy closes his eyes, his mother saw his lips moving soundlessly with his own silent pray.
“Why are you smiling?” the mother asked her son after he opened his eyes.
“He doesn’t need to come back, the boy answer”,
“He never left”.