When you wear socks, you don’t feel the dirty floor under your feet. If you eat in the dark, you don’t get fat. I don’t really care if these rules are true or not. When I went to my kitchen in the night to finish my cold pizza, I felt better to say them to myself.
So here I am sitting wearing only my underwear and two unmatching socks, starting to work on my second slice when I realized that I’m not alone. A shadow was standing on the border between my dark kitchen and the even darker living room.
Ok, before I continue let me share my thoughts about panic. Panic can happen in any given moment. But, and it’s a big one. There is a difference between panicking fully clothes and been in a panic mode half naked with a slice of cold peperoni pizza still stuck in your mouth.
Who is there? I asked with my mouth still full. I can tell you right now, there is no way I’m spitting this pizza out. If this is my last meal, I want to enjoy it as much as possible. Out of the shadows a figure of a man entered my kitchen. It was enough light for me to see that he is holding a big gun in his hand, a really big gun. ” Is it ok with you if I switch the light on?”, he asked. I was surprised by the tone of his voice; it was very respectful. Sure, I said. The light switch is right behind you. There was a moment of silent until he spoke again. ” I cannot turn around Sir, a man with your skill can easily take me down in a second, if I turn my back on him”. The second he spoke a piece of peperoni covered with tomato sauce fell on my naked belly. “Not exactly the man with the skill he is talking about”, I thought. You know what? I said. Let me stand up and turn the light. You can keep your over size gun at me at all time. ” I think that is a good idea Sir” he said,” but don’t do anything else, I heard stories of how quick you are”. Who the Hell this guy thinks I am? But I didn’t say anything, let’s start with the light first.
It took both of us a second to get use to the light, after a few seconds we were staring at each other. His eyes were fixed on the red embarrassing spot on my hairy belly. And I was looking at his red tie. The reason I was so intrigued by his red tie was because it was the only thing that was actually right with everything he was wearing. His suit looked cheap and at least two sizes bigger than it should be. His shoes were old and were open in a few places. Even his gun was too big for his hands. In a way he looked like a kid that borrowed his father’s clothes and gun. Only the tie looked just right. So, what now? I asked. It took him a moment to get his thoughts together before he answered. “Sir,” he said. ” I just want to say that before I kill you. It’s a huge honor to meet you face to face”. Kill me, seriously? I said, almost shouting. “Yes, I took the contract that no one else could take. Many tried and failed. You are a legend Sir”. Before I had the chance to say that I am not the legend that he is looking for and for God sake please stop calling me Sir, a voice from the other room said. ” Who are you talking to in the middle of the night? ” That’s my wife I said to him trying to calm him down. ” Your wife?” He said completely surprised. ” I didn’t know you have a wife”.
Footsteps were heard coming closer and before we know it, my wife wearing her white robe and rubbing her eyes joined us in the kitchen.
My wife, completely ignoring the standoff between me and the confused killer, cross between us while saying, ” let me guess, another rising star in the contract killing world thinking he got the legend”.
My wife looked at the young man and said. ” First of all, nice tie kid. Everything else looks like crap. Now seriously, look at my fat hairy husband, does he look like the legendary super killer that you’re looking for? My husband cannot catch a bus to save his own life. Listen kid”, my wife continues almost bringing the young man to tears. ” Every few weeks one of you idiots getting the apartment number wrong. Probably you like the rest of the other Geniuses counted the janitor door as an apartment. This is apartment 154 not 155.”
The young man looked at his shoes. In a way I felt sorry for him. I believe that for him to take down the legend was a pick of his young career. He definitely didn’t plan to face a fat dude eating pizza in the dark, and his sarcastic wife.
“Go and put some pants and shirt ” my wife commanded me, “and you”, she said pointing at the young man. ” sit down and have some cold pizza “. “Yes ma’am, the young man said in surrender”.
I went to my bedroom to put some clothes on myself. But before I even got to my closet, I heard something falling down. I rushed back to the kitchen to see my wife standing with a kitchen knife over the young man. His throat was sliced open. I guess you found the real legend I told him just before his last breath.
“I will take care of it in the morning” my wife said. “But do me a favor honey. Please clean this red sauce from yourself “. Sure, I said. After all you don’t argue with a legend.