Mom, the voice in my head sounds almost human.

This one is mine.

It’s almost impossible to explain just how much can go through your head during the two and a half seconds of falling from the ten floors building. But if I will try to break it up, there is no doubt that the feeling of accomplishment is the most dominant. That is the way I felt anyhow. From the second that my feet left the solid roof and my body started its rapid decent to the ground, I felt brilliant. That was my time. My victory, and in less than two seconds nothing could change that.

I never planned to kill myself but it was the only way to end with the “upper hand” if you like. It’s all started a few months back. Me and my five friends at the office liked to scare each other once in a while. It was kind of a practical jokes. We always were carful not to go to far with the pranks, after all we are all friends and we wanted to keep it as harmless fun. So usually it was the classic rubber spider in the drear or a fake phone call from a secret service or the FBI. I was the last “victim” for my friend’s prank. But this time it wasn’t the little harmless prank, they went too far.

The image of the ghost flying in the hallway one night when I thought that I was alone in the office really scared me to the point I peed myself. As much as I tried, I could not but feel humiliated. My friends told me how sorry they were, and that was too much. And so on and so on. But it didn’t change anything with how I felt. For me the only way that I can restore my self-respect is to get back at them.  So, I got into work. I spend almost every free time I had planning my revenge, the ultimate prank. This is my new hobby I told myself.

Everybody needs a hobby, and this is mine. And I take it very seriously, actually becoming obsessed with it. My plan was becoming more extreme by the day. It must be simple and effective. I wrote every idea I had and kept it with other ideas. I even use to go over my plans during working time when nobody was around. It’ll take me almost two months to get it right. The plan was simple, exactly the way I wanted. Usually on Fridays we used to go to the closest bar for a happy hour after a week work. I will pretend that I’m still depressed over the prank they pulled on me. I will make a complete show as I’m completely down to the point that in a moment of rage I will pull my gun and shoot my friends as a revenge. Of course, I will shoot blanks but they will not know that. The sight of their scared to death faces will certainly compensate over my wet pants.

From the second my plan was complete, it was only to wait for the end of Friday work day. And sure, enough it came. And it was perfect. Just the way I imagined it. I played as I nerves and depressed. And just as I plan my friends asked me what is wrong. I continue to act upset until I pulled my gun and shouted, you all need to die. To see their faces when I pulled the gun was priceless but now is the good part the pinnacle of my plan, I pulled the trigger five time on my friends. I was so thrilled that I understand what I did only after the fifth shoot was fired. I forgot to change the real rounds to blanks. Instead seeing my friends scare to death, they were just lying dead. And yes, they had a surprised look on their dead faces.  I really shot my friends.  I panicked and ran away. I couldn’t stay there looking at them dying. I think I ran for half an hour straight, no real destination. As I said I was panicking. All of that time I heard my phone ringing. I had no doubt that its the police asking me to surrender myself. They know its me, many people in that bar know who I am. I throw the gun to the garbage. I know it doesn’t mean anything but I’m doing it anyway. Eventually I must to stop, the moment my legs stop moving I’m starting to understand just how horrible is the thing that I did. I’m panicking again but this time it’s a paralyzing hysteria. I cannot move, my breathing is heavy. I’m mumbling to myself what have I done over and over again. Now my own subconscious start to play games on me. A voice in my head Is marking me, saying how is your little hobby going. You really scare them, did you? And then the most freighting thought coming out from that voice in my head, maybe you did want to kill them. Maybe it wasn’t a mistake. They hurt you really bad, they made you wet your pants. They stood there trying not to crack down looking at you wet and embarrassed. It was a cruel cold voice coming not only from the back of my head but from deep inside my stomach. I cannot live with myself, the cruel voice is right, it was on purpose, I murdered my friends.   

The constant ring from my phone doesn’t stop, it just makes me more exigent to end it all. Killing myself is the only option, the last thing I will ever do, and I need to do it before the police gets to me. I see an entrance to a building, that is my chance. Its open, I’m going in and start to go up the stairs. I can hear the sirens in the background. Need to move fast. I got to the roof and its open. Now I’m slowing down a little bit. It’s the last moment of my life. I’m not feeling sorry for myself, no. I’m a murderer and I deserve to die. I’m on the edge of the roof, it’s about ten floors down. My phone keeps on ringing. I was afraid to answer until now. It was as if I will touch the phone it will slow me down or even worse I will talk with some police officer that will convince me to turn myself in. But now I’m not afraid, that is my last seconds alive. I will tell the police where I am, and how sorry I am for murdering my friends. I held the phone and without looking at the screen I answer. I just say hello, but before I can say anything I heard my friends voice on the other side, they are laughing and alive. You didn’t shoot anybody they were screaming happily through the phone. We found your nuts on your table at work. You forgot them one day, about shooting blanks and to scare us to death. So, we play you back and pretend as we are really getting shoot.

I’m still quiet. Except hello I didn’t say anything. I can hear my friends still laughing through the phone. I cannot lose again, not after this last time. This one is mine.  I put the phone closer to my mouth and say loudly, sorry officer I cannot hear you because of the wind. I’m about to kill myself because I killed my friends, I’m so sorry. And then I hang up the phone and jump.

Its unbelievable how many thoughts can go through your head in less than two seconds. But I will tell you what was my main one, it was. I won, this one is mine. I won.

As I said everybody needs a hobby.