All Or Nothing

Judith looked at the endless empty streets, surrounded by gray empty buildings. In every building hundreds of apartments, they are all empty, but in one of them there is a girl, the girl that Judith needs to find, a girl that cannot move or make a sound, she is somewhere in this endless cage. To leave this world Judith must find her.

Judith felt a sharp pain inside her left hand vein, that was the only time Judith could feel anything. For a moment Judith could hear and smell the world that she is so desperately trying to return to. Judith could hear voices of people and cars, the sound of beeping monitors a smell of flowers, but there was one voice that was closer than the rest, it was a soft voice ” remember the rock on the beach, Judith Brown don’t forget her laughter, you cannot come back alone, Judith Brown. you must find her”. Judith tried to say that “it’s impossible, there are endless buildings with endless apartments, I want to come back, I want to wake up.” Judith wanted to scream.

Judith could no longer feel the pain in her hand or hear the voices, she was back in the gray silent world. I need to remember the rock and the laughter; my name is Judith Brown. keep moving Judith Brown she told herself, check under every bed and every corner inside every room don’t miss a thing, the girl is waiting for you, when I’ll find her I will see the rock on the beach again and the sound of happy laughter will ring in my ears.

Dr. Brown could not resist the happy shouts in his fancy new car asking him to drive faster. We are almost at the beach he said laughing himself, soon we can see the beautiful rock sticking out from the ocean. just before him and his small happy family got to the shore Dr. Brown wanted to show what the car can really do. That was his last happy memory, now standing over his daughter he couldn’t but think if he is doing the right thing. his daughter was in coma but he could wake her up, but he didn’t want to. I didn’t become who I am today by going half way, he said to himself. bending over her while he whispers in his daughter ear, “you must find her and bring her back with you, Judith.” Dr. Brown shifted his eyes to the bed where his other daughter was laying down, the daughter with the amazing laugh that he couldn’t wake up. he looks again at Judith “it’s up to you” he said, “bring her back with you. it’s all or nothing.”  

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More Of The Same

Its only six in the morning, but it’s already hot, from my car window I can see his room in the parking-motel. I am trying to remember if I was here before, it doesn’t matter, I say to myself. Another parking lot another cheap motel, it’s more of the same. except now, I made it on time, his car still parked; he is still in his room. For more than fifteen years I’m on his tail, five years as a detective and ten more after I left the force. All that years and it come to this moment, the time to move is now. very soon he will move again, vanishing into the morning sun. I close my eyes and fall asleep, I’m tired very tired, it’s so hot.

When I open my eyes, his car is gone. I slept too much. Getting out of my car, my shirt is wet from sweat, I feel slow and fat. Starting to walk to the room, I missed him I know that. my steps are not steady, I didn’t wake up completely. It will take some time until someone will come to clean the room, I can still go inside and get a clue where he is going next.

The motel room is old fashioned, everything is brown with too many mirrors. even the television is big and heavy. I feel right at home. taking a deep breath through my nose, The small room is a combination of aftershave, cigarettes and alcohol. A nostalgic feeling, my father use to smell like that, I can almost see my dad in front of me, holding my shoulders and say ” Man don’t cry son, be strong my boy” I remember his face, his open top button in his shirt, showing his chest hair, and the way he smelled the same as this room smells the same as the man I’m chasing all this year’s smell. I miss my dad; I miss all of it.

On the coffee table I can spot a local newspaper, looking inside I can see a list of motels nearby. one of them got a mark with a pencil, that will be his next destination, it’s always like that, more of the same. I don’t feel fat or hot anymore but I need to pee, it used to be an easy task, not anymore. on the bathroom sink I can see his shaving blade, it’s an old school safety razor, it’s the same as the one I learned how to shave with, another warm memory is coming to my head. open my pants and waiting for the pee to come out, it takes some time and some pain but eventually its coming out.

He is waiting for me in the room, I was so busy concentrating on me peeing that I didn’t hear him coming back to the room. He is sitting on one of the chairs near the coffee table, there is another chair, he is pointing at it with his eyes, I sit down. It has been a while he is telling me, I’m tired it’s too hot he continues. Taking two cigarettes out of his pocket he offers me one, I quit, I tell him, I’m not a smoker anymore. The fact that you quite doesn’t mean that you are not a smoker, he tells me with a smile, I take the cigarette and he light it with a zippo. it’s like I never stopped smoking. Do you remember why? he asks me. I forgot long time ago, I answer. His eyes travel around the room. do you have anything else? he asks. Only this I answer. I cannot run anymore I am tired from running, you got me, he said. I look outside, I can see the parking lot and the exit to the highway, I need this I say. Its over he answers. I cannot runaway anymore, he said looking at the floor. So, what now we both asked without words. A sound of an eighteen-wheeler zooming across the highway brings a light to his eyes. Give me your wallet he is asking me while holding his own wallet in front of me. I take his wallet and he takes mine. He looks at me in the eyes and say “I give you one hour, now run”

Another motel another highway, need to move, he is on my tail. it’s more of the same.

Life is good.

This one is mine.

It’s almost impossible to explain just how much can go through your head during the two and a half seconds of falling from the ten floors building. But if I will try to break it up, there is no doubt that the feeling of accomplishment is the most dominant. That is the way I felt anyhow. From the second that my feet left the solid roof and my body started its rapid decent to the ground, I felt brilliant. That was my time. My victory, and in less than two seconds nothing could change that.

I never planned to kill myself but it was the only way to end with the “upper hand” if you like. It’s all started a few months back. Me and my five friends at the office liked to scare each other once in a while. It was kind of a practical jokes. We always were carful not to go to far with the pranks, after all we are all friends and we wanted to keep it as harmless fun. So usually it was the classic rubber spider in the drear or a fake phone call from a secret service or the FBI. I was the last “victim” for my friend’s prank. But this time it wasn’t the little harmless prank, they went too far.

The image of the ghost flying in the hallway one night when I thought that I was alone in the office really scared me to the point I peed myself. As much as I tried, I could not but feel humiliated. My friends told me how sorry they were, and that was too much. And so on and so on. But it didn’t change anything with how I felt. For me the only way that I can restore my self-respect is to get back at them.  So, I got into work. I spend almost every free time I had planning my revenge, the ultimate prank. This is my new hobby I told myself.

Everybody needs a hobby, and this is mine. And I take it very seriously, actually becoming obsessed with it. My plan was becoming more extreme by the day. It must be simple and effective. I wrote every idea I had and kept it with other ideas. I even use to go over my plans during working time when nobody was around. It’ll take me almost two months to get it right. The plan was simple, exactly the way I wanted. Usually on Fridays we used to go to the closest bar for a happy hour after a week work. I will pretend that I’m still depressed over the prank they pulled on me. I will make a complete show as I’m completely down to the point that in a moment of rage I will pull my gun and shoot my friends as a revenge. Of course, I will shoot blanks but they will not know that. The sight of their scared to death faces will certainly compensate over my wet pants.

From the second my plan was complete, it was only to wait for the end of Friday work day. And sure, enough it came. And it was perfect. Just the way I imagined it. I played as I nerves and depressed. And just as I plan my friends asked me what is wrong. I continue to act upset until I pulled my gun and shouted, you all need to die. To see their faces when I pulled the gun was priceless but now is the good part the pinnacle of my plan, I pulled the trigger five time on my friends. I was so thrilled that I understand what I did only after the fifth shoot was fired. I forgot to change the real rounds to blanks. Instead seeing my friends scare to death, they were just lying dead. And yes, they had a surprised look on their dead faces.  I really shot my friends.  I panicked and ran away. I couldn’t stay there looking at them dying. I think I ran for half an hour straight, no real destination. As I said I was panicking. All of that time I heard my phone ringing. I had no doubt that its the police asking me to surrender myself. They know its me, many people in that bar know who I am. I throw the gun to the garbage. I know it doesn’t mean anything but I’m doing it anyway. Eventually I must to stop, the moment my legs stop moving I’m starting to understand just how horrible is the thing that I did. I’m panicking again but this time it’s a paralyzing hysteria. I cannot move, my breathing is heavy. I’m mumbling to myself what have I done over and over again. Now my own subconscious start to play games on me. A voice in my head Is marking me, saying how is your little hobby going. You really scare them, did you? And then the most freighting thought coming out from that voice in my head, maybe you did want to kill them. Maybe it wasn’t a mistake. They hurt you really bad, they made you wet your pants. They stood there trying not to crack down looking at you wet and embarrassed. It was a cruel cold voice coming not only from the back of my head but from deep inside my stomach. I cannot live with myself, the cruel voice is right, it was on purpose, I murdered my friends.   

The constant ring from my phone doesn’t stop, it just makes me more exigent to end it all. Killing myself is the only option, the last thing I will ever do, and I need to do it before the police gets to me. I see an entrance to a building, that is my chance. Its open, I’m going in and start to go up the stairs. I can hear the sirens in the background. Need to move fast. I got to the roof and its open. Now I’m slowing down a little bit. It’s the last moment of my life. I’m not feeling sorry for myself, no. I’m a murderer and I deserve to die. I’m on the edge of the roof, it’s about ten floors down. My phone keeps on ringing. I was afraid to answer until now. It was as if I will touch the phone it will slow me down or even worse I will talk with some police officer that will convince me to turn myself in. But now I’m not afraid, that is my last seconds alive. I will tell the police where I am, and how sorry I am for murdering my friends. I held the phone and without looking at the screen I answer. I just say hello, but before I can say anything I heard my friends voice on the other side, they are laughing and alive. You didn’t shoot anybody they were screaming happily through the phone. We found your nuts on your table at work. You forgot them one day, about shooting blanks and to scare us to death. So, we play you back and pretend as we are really getting shoot.

I’m still quiet. Except hello I didn’t say anything. I can hear my friends still laughing through the phone. I cannot lose again, not after this last time. This one is mine.  I put the phone closer to my mouth and say loudly, sorry officer I cannot hear you because of the wind. I’m about to kill myself because I killed my friends, I’m so sorry. And then I hang up the phone and jump.

Its unbelievable how many thoughts can go through your head in less than two seconds. But I will tell you what was my main one, it was. I won, this one is mine. I won.

As I said everybody needs a hobby.                                                                                          

The human factor.

Are you exited Eric? David asked moments before the take-off to the most daring man exploration in history. You must be, we are going to make history. The two first human to get to Mars. You bet I am exited, answer David. All the world will watch our every move. I just think about all the people that put so much from their life to make this dream come through. And lets not talk about the money that was invested in this project. That is truly incredible, every television station from around the world send their crew to document this launch, when I come to think about it, probably most of the human kind will see us taking off from Houston to the red planet. Billions of people looking at us.

The two astronauts conversation was interrupted by Jerry from ground-control. It is time to make the final check-list guys, we are moments from count-down. We will start now David replay to Jerry while giving the thumb up to Eric. Immediately Eric and David started to go over the list, David was reading from the check-list and Eric was conforming by saying check. About half way into the check-list when David was about to start with the fuel pressure, Eric cut him off by saying “gas, I’m not sure about the gas”. What do you mean, gas? David asked puzzled. we already went through all the gas on the check-list. No, you don’t understand said Eric with a real concern in his voice. I don’t remember if I checked the gas in my kitchen before I left my house.

Are you serious, Eric? David asked. Yes I am completely serious answered Eric, when we board the space-ship I was a little bit concern about it, but the more I think about it the more I start to doubt if I didn’t left the gas on after I finish my coffee in the morning. I am sure that every thing is fine, said David, trying to get back on track and finish the check-list. You are aware that we are going to fly to Mars in the next ten minutes, David mention the obvious to Eric. I know said Eric but right now I cannot think about anything else but the gas burning down my house. Wait, David said, what about your wife? My wife is sitting with the crowd waiting for the launch, Eric replay. David could hear the panic in Eric’s voice. I wish I had my cell-phone with me, Eric complained, we are surrounded with a billion dollar intergalactic communication systems but I cannot make a simple phone call to my wife.

Two minutes to launch, it was Jerry from ground-control. I believe that their was no problem with the check list, we are one minute from count-down. “Actually we do have a problem” Eric replay. What is the problem? Jerry asked quickly, we are less than a minute to go, what ever it is, we need to solve is fast. I really need to talk with my wife, Eric said, I think I didn’t close the gas before I left my house. This is not the time to for your weird sense of humor Eric, Jerry said. It was very clear that the pressure before the launch is getting to him also. Its not a joke, I really need to talk with my wife, said Eric almost crying. Ok said Jerry, Let me see if I can call your wife and put you through the radio system. You have Less then a minute to go, you are going to Mars for God’s sake added Jerry. A second later Eric could hear his wife voice on the radio.

Wife; what’s is going on, is everything ok?

Eric; Baby, did you check the gas before we left the house?

Wife; Oh my God Eric, I told NASA that it will be better to put a space suit on a monkey than to send an idiot like you.

Eric; Please honey, did you check the gas?

David; 10,9.8….

Wife; Why every time there is something with you?

Eric; Baby, please.

David; 7,6,5….

Wife; Yes, I did check the gas.

Eric; I am so relieved.

David; 4,3…

Wife; But I hope you unplugged the iron as I told you.

Eric; Oh shit….

David; 1,0. Lift off.


Another Monday.

Why are you wearing your suit, John?  Monica asked her husband; while she was trying to get her head around the usual Mondays morning madness.

John was standing near the door with his finest suit, to be completely accurate it was his only suit. Staring at his wife he was disappointed, it obvious he was expecting a completely different reaction from his wife.  

You didn’t see the note I left on the kitchen table? John asked, just to realize that his wife put her cup of coffee on what was probably the most important piece of writing he ever wrote.

No, I didn’t see any note, John can you please tell me what is going on? its Monday morning you know.  It was clear that his wife was not in the mood for puzzling questions.                                                                                                                                                                  Please Monica, john said with a half begging and half annoyed voice, lift your cup of coffee and read the note I wrote. John’s plan didn’t work the way he pictured it in his head.

Monica lifted her cup of coffee while mumbling “I don’t have time for this”. Underneath the coffee cup Monica could see a note that was already stained with coffee. The only thing that she was able to read was “I am” and “final”. John, I cannot read it, I don’t have time for this, its Monday morning, you know.  

For God’s sake Monica, it’s a suicide note, John exclaimed. I am about to jump off of a bridge.

So, is that the reason you are wearing your only suit John? Why do you want to do it with the most expensive clothing you have? You can jump with the same level of success with jeans and a t-shirt.

Before John had any chance to replay to his wife and explain that it seems kind of right to die with his best clothes. Monica put her cup of coffee back on the unreadable suicide note and said with a soft voice. I don’t want you to do it, but the warm feeling that John felt quickly vanished when his wife continued, it’s really not a good time John, there are so many errands to do and I cannot do everything by myself. there are bills to pay, the house is a mess and somebody needs to pick up the kids from school. its Monday you know. Besides that, its rush hour now, it will take you forever to get to where ever you want to go and kill yourself, you will want to kill yourself just standing in traffic. As much as John didn’t want to, he find himself smiling at the last thing that his wife said.                                                                                                                                                 

Can you at list postponed this all suicide thing to another time?

John felt that the drama he was hoping for will not happen, at least not today. node his head with agreement with his wife.

Ok honey, John said. I will pick up the kids. 

Thank you, John, and if you don’t mind to take the dog out, before he pees all over the house.  

Just before John closed the door behind him, wearing his normal, not the special suicide clothes and holding the dog’s leash, he heard his wife saying. “In the evening when you come back, I will make your favorite food, I promise”.                                                                                                                                                                 After her husband closed the door behind him. Monica said to herself while finishing her coffee.

“Monday, every single Monday”.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                              

Happy Me

“Little girls are not supposed to be sad”. Said the man with many diplomas on the wall. “Your mode already cost us too much money”, said the woman I called mom. “Enough with this useless behaver”. Joined her husband.

So, I set in my room in front on the mirror and with a lipstick I trace my face, ears nose and eyes. Only the mouth I drew deferent, I drew a big smile along the face in the mirror.  Hello there Happy Me, I said. Hello back, Sad You, the girl in the mirror replied. I want to be like you Happy Me, I said. You are happy and I am so sad. But I want to be you, cried back Happy Me. Why do you want to be sad? I asked.

My happiness is empty, said Happy Me. My Cheerfulness is fake. I am happy because I have to. I am glad because they say I need to be.

Your sadness is like a wave on a dark ocean.  Its full of emotions and pain. Your wave is gliding under a moonless night with memories and thoughts. You are deep and real little girl.

And when the sun will rise on the dark ocean, your wave will be shown to all, blue big and strong. Tears came down my face, when? When did they will see my true me? I asked.

It doesn’t matter beautiful girl, answer Happy Me.

It really doesn’t matter.  

 

 

Snow Man In Hell

You, yes you, that the blazing flames scorch away your memories from a different time. That the thick smoke covered the recognition of who you are. For so long the pain erase the why you are here.  You cannot feel a thing anymore, infinity lost its meaning.  All you feel is numbness, nothing else.

He will move silently, slowly, a colorful scarf around his neck and a funny Derby hat on his head, with a big smile curved on his face, he will remind you about the happiness you will never feel again. He will come over to you, close enough for you to feel just for a brief moment the soothing cold coming out from him. The heat will return, stronger than ever. The pain will hit you as it was your first moment down here, in a place that he will not let you forget the why and the before.

He is the devil’s cruelest servant; his torment is stronger then any flame.

He will give you hope that will never fulfilled.

He is a Snow Man in Hell.